Thursday, September 19, 2013

Dear Cameron, The First Year...

**It's taken me awhile to write this post...I didn't want to share it, then I did. Then I wanted to add stuff and take stuff out. So this is quite the compilation of emotions, memories and how my view of motherhood has changed over the last year. 

The first few weeks were rough. I cried. Your Daddy and I fought. I googled things. I texted friends. I was grumpy and short-tempered. But, I was just trying to be the best Mom to you as I could. I wanted to be sure I was feeding you right. Burping you enough. You were awake and asleep at the right times. You weren't easy, Mr Man, but you are ours, and we are eternally thankful for the best year of our life.

just a few days old...

I can't lie. When we signed you up for day care, it was a relief. I thought that maybe they could take care of you better than I could. Then I started getting more sleep and found myself again at work. But then I missed you and started to get to know you better. I learned that you are a miracle and that I was one of the luckiest people in the world to have you.

I've learned to trust myself. I rarely google things anymore; I just know. And it's because you've let me learn. You are one of the most impatient babies that we've met, but you've been oh-so-patient with me and allowed me to make mistakes.

I have to say that it took a long time to fall in love with you. To really feel that yanking at my heart that I feel now when I think about you or see you after a long day apart. I didn't always feel that. And I've learned that's OK and completely changed my life and I am eternally grateful for that now. But, you completely changed my life, and I wasn't quite ready for it. I didn't understand just how much everything would change.

I remember sitting on our couch when you were just a couple of weeks old and a picture caught my eye. It was of your Daddy and me in NYC. We were free. We used to be able to go to NYC anytime we wanted to! Now, that's not an option. Taking a weekend trip requires planning and lots of packing (or a babysitter to stay home with you). I was resentful. Honestly. That word sounds so harsh, but I'm just being honest.

When I was pregnant, your Daddy and I would sit on the couch and talk about how we couldn't wait until you were sitting with us, just watching tv...well, guess what? You will not sit for more than 2 seconds, so that image has never come to life. But, I don't care. Chasing you around the house is so much more fun than sitting quietly on the couch.

I used to see babies that were calm all the time and never cried. I was SO jealous. Not anymore! You have spunk. You have a personality! You challenge us. And that is why I am in love with you. I've learned how to combine our lives and have learned what my life is really supposed to be. It's not for spontaneous weekend trips to NYC or late nights with friends. I've done that. It's baths and hearing "mama" as I walk through the door and knowing that I am the only one who can make certain situations better.

I thank you for that. I am sorry that I ever felt any other way, but I did. And I learned. You have not been an easy baby, but you are OUR baby, and I wouldn't change a single thing. I love that you go to day care and I go to work. That gives us our time and let's you go, while still letting me fulfill my second passion: teaching. I honestly don't think I would be a good stay at home mom. I envy those moms who can do's hard! I need my time, but then I need my family.

I love you, love you, love you. You are such an amazing miracle, and I thank God everyday for you. I can't wait to continue to be amazed by you. To learn from you. To watch you learn and grow. You're simply beautiful.

Love you always,


  1. Oh heavens I could have written this EXACT post! You put into words what I have been feeling and afraid to say for over a year! Thank you for your honesty :) Your little man is SO lucky to have you as a Momma

  2. Like Shana said, I could have written this the exact same way. Everything you said is so true to us. I pick my daughter up from daycare and all of the other babies are so calm and she's a wild child that does not sit still. :)

  3. Jess, I love this post. Kudos to you for having the courage to write and share this. You've read my blog entries to know that I have felt the same way. It is amazing how being a parent can make you feel so incredibly frustrated, drained, and stressed but at the same time, make you feel blessed, happy, and proud all at the same time. You and Chad are great parents - Cam is lucky to have you!!! XO.

  4. Great post, Jess! It is soooo normal to have these feelings and I hate that new moms are made to feel like they cannot have these feelings. Having a child is such a change. I was just telling an old college roomie this over the weekend. It is a true life change and sometimes it is hard to let go of the old and takes a period of "mourning". One you get through the transition, you learn that it is the single most important thing you will ever do. You are a wonderful mother!

    (I'm glad I found your new blog! :))


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