The first few weeks were rough. I cried. Your Daddy and I fought. I googled things. I texted friends. I was grumpy and short-tempered. But, I was just trying to be the best Mom to you as I could. I wanted to be sure I was feeding you right. Burping you enough. You were awake and asleep at the right times. You weren't easy, Mr Man, but you are ours, and we are eternally thankful for the best year of our life.
just a few days old...
I can't lie. When we signed you up for day care, it was a relief. I thought that maybe they could take care of you better than I could. Then I started getting more sleep and found myself again at work. But then I missed you and started to get to know you better. I learned that you are a miracle and that I was one of the luckiest people in the world to have you.
I've learned to trust myself. I rarely google things anymore; I just know. And it's because you've let me learn. You are one of the most impatient babies that we've met, but you've been oh-so-patient with me and allowed me to make mistakes.
I have to say that it took a long time to fall in love with you. To really feel that yanking at my heart that I feel now when I think about you or see you after a long day apart. I didn't always feel that. And I've learned that's OK and normal...you completely changed my life and I am eternally grateful for that now. But, you completely changed my life, and I wasn't quite ready for it. I didn't understand just how much everything would change.
I remember sitting on our couch when you were just a couple of weeks old and a picture caught my eye. It was of your Daddy and me in NYC. We were free. We used to be able to go to NYC anytime we wanted to! Now, that's not an option. Taking a weekend trip requires planning and lots of packing (or a babysitter to stay home with you). I was resentful. Honestly. That word sounds so harsh, but I'm just being honest.
When I was pregnant, your Daddy and I would sit on the couch and talk about how we couldn't wait until you were sitting with us, just watching tv...well, guess what? You will not sit for more than 2 seconds, so that image has never come to life. But, I don't care. Chasing you around the house is so much more fun than sitting quietly on the couch.
I thank you for that. I am sorry that I ever felt any other way, but I did. And I learned. You have not been an easy baby, but you are OUR baby, and I wouldn't change a single thing. I love that you go to day care and I go to work. That gives us our time and let's you go, while still letting me fulfill my second passion: teaching. I honestly don't think I would be a good stay at home mom. I envy those moms who can do that...it's hard! I need my time, but then I need my family.
I love you, love you, love you. You are such an amazing miracle, and I thank God everyday for you. I can't wait to continue to be amazed by you. To learn from you. To watch you learn and grow. You're simply beautiful.
Love you always,